he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
