So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
nutella sex= disaster
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
