Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
