My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
