My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize