so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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