the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
