So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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