it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
not ubering you a puppy
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