my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
