I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
