Do vagina's smell?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
