my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
