was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
