I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
