Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize