I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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