I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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