whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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