Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
