I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
