he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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