is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
