I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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