I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
