apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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