I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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