Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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