Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
