I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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