Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
