i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
