Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
