if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
there is glitter all over my balls
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