Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
