dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
