Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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