im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
