The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
