Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We left the knife in your bed.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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