Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
