the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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