I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
