She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
