Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
