Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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