Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
