Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize