So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
