wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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