did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
