on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
