So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize