you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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