I cannot find my penis.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
They are going to name an STD after you.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
