FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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