Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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