Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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