I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
