never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
