She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
