She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
