I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
