I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
