I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
