If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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