Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
