sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think my fart just growled at me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize